The Choice Without a Choice

This is an article written for the ezine Scribespirit 3/3 2007 to explain my view on freedom of choice versus the idea of being “guided” to follow up on a certain path of destiny. Some time soon I will write a bit more about the reality of my past.

Even in modern, secular times, most people are born into a religion. In my Lutheran homecountry Finland, people are in general not very apt to proclaiming loyalty to the State Church, and it is common to hear people say that theirs is a private form of relationship with the divine. Atheism is a tough extreme to subscribe to, and so it seems that most people prefer a softer form of denial of religious certainty in the form of agnosticism or a passive adherence to the religion they were born into. All the same, most people do turn to the institutionalised religion for the performance of the great rituals of initiation in life, i.e. birth, confirmation, marriage and death. Confirmation and marriage are obviously very much tied to the basic principles of religion per se, and are naturally on the decline as the secularization of society and the freedom of choice become greater. But birth and death are unavoidable natural occurrences that doubtlessly stir a human mind in a profound way, and so it seems that these designations of human existence help reassure and stabilize the position of religious rituals and sentiments even in the hardiest of societies.

My own life began in a way that is very typical of a Finnish child. I was born into a Lutheran family, and I was baptized accordingly. At school I participated in religious teaching, but later on I certainly had no regrets since I feel that the biblical stories that I heard as a child provided me with an essential part of the knowledge about the culture that I belong to. Since Christianity did not hold a great attraction for me later on in life, I rely to a great part on these stories for my understanding of the history of Christianity. These days, it is increasingly common for children not to participate in these classes, and I sincerely think it is a great shame from the point of view of general knowledge and deeper reflection. At the age of 15 I went to a confirmation camp where I was given more detailed information about Christianity, however I am sorry to say I cannot recall much of that. To me, it all seemed a bit highly strung but I tried to give it a chance just as I do many things in life. When I graduated from high school, the teachings of Christianity as well as other religions were part of my final exams. I learned things by heart but did not have a sense of deeper understanding about what the “fuss” was all about. What woke me to a deeper sense of spirituality a few years later was something as trivial as a ouija-board. I know, it sounds silly. It was nonetheless my prosaic gateway to the higher spheres.

I believe most people have tested the ouija-board in one form or another, and probably with poor results. The results that I and those in my company got were indeed deplorable. They were nonsensical and odd. I do not think they were of good per se. However, I could see that no matter what kind of information was coming through, it nonetheless did come through. In other words I had a heureka kind of experience in understanding that there is a spiritual world. What followed was a frantic search for books on the subject of reincarnation. I read and was readily convinced of reincarnation as a primal fact of life, and karma as the law of cause and effect that goes with it. These two ideas turned out to be the pillar stones of my beliefsystem. At artschool I was suddenly caught in another frenzy of search surrounding the symbolism of the so-called cosmic egg, which I found to be a symbol of primordial unity and prevalent in most prehistoric cultures. I will try and explain this in simple terms. The myths tell us that the symbolic egg of unity was divided into the white and the yellow, thus symbolizing the manifestation of Heaven and Earth. In other words, a dual world of polarities. This is basically the same as the idea of Yin and Yang. What these myths did was give me the insight that there had been (and is) a primordial One in a timeless dimension of sorts. Here, all of creation was “brooding” as a field of potentiality. As soon as creation was manifested as matter in space, time came into being as well. The explanation is that time is dependent for its existance on pieces of matter moving in space in relation to each other.

My fascination with these things was so deep, that after a few years of art studies in France I decided to return to the University of Helsinki and take up studies of the Science of Religion. In this fascinating field, the religions of the world, as well as phenomena of a religious nature, are (for the most part) compared, and thus defined and categorized.

Combining many of my fields of interest, I ended up writing a thesis about the ontological status of creativity within the New Age beliefsystem. (Ontology is the nature of reality as explained by us humans, and thus my field of research was to reveal the way creativity and the act of creating is being seen within the New Age as basic to our very existence as individuals). Yes, yes, I was serving my own private purposes. What I did was digging deep into all sorts of fascinating theories regarding the fundamental nature of reality. New Age is a beliefsystem all its own but it connects to many other mystical beliefsystems, and I defenitely profited from that. I found that rather than think in the habitual terms of either-or, us humans might gain from training our minds into embracing the idea of paradoxes. This idea actually comes through in all of my artwork. When my understanding of paradoxes as a means to a deeper and more intuitive grasp of reality was rooted I was “saved”! Or so I thought, anyway…

The way I see it, paradoxes are not really “the way reality really is”, but just one step further away from our typical way of reasoning. The famous Buddhist philosopher Nagarjuna has said something to the effect that we shouldn't think in terms of either-or, or neither-nor. He goes on saying that it is also incorrect to think of reality in terms of either-or and neither-nor, just as thinking of it in terms of either-or nor neither-nor is incorrect. Then from this we derive the fact that thinking in terms of either-or or neither-nor as well as either-or and neither-nor is incorrect, too! Lost track already? Well, I did so I will stop right there! It goes on and on and on… But you got the point, didn't you? The point being, that mental deduction regarding the basic nature of reality is always doomed to failure. That is because we will never be able to think other than in terms of categories and the prioritization of information. The implication thus being, that the true nature of reality is beyond anything that can be talked about through human language. We can only point in its direction.

I was spending many years thinking about spirituality and figuring out what my worldview is, and I was very happy doing so. I felt that I was on a road of rediscovery rather than discovery, and it was thrilling. I truly felt that the information I was retaining was only refreshing a memory that had been dormant. It had receded into the subconscious sphere at some point or another. And I still do, no question about it. But this is the point where we are coming closer to the problematic side of my personal spirituality. Along with the happy road of rediscovery came an ominous sense of predestination and a lack of freedom of choice.

Please keep in mind that I am only telling my own story here and not attempting to convert anybody to my beliefsystems. However, I have to make a few points regarding my own logical deduction in order to explain how things turned out the way they did in the end. When I was young, I thought pantheism sounded like a sensible explanation to the way our reality is constructed. It was a hunch, basically. Only later did I understand that pantheism, although it seems to be about the unity of all things on the surface, is not strictly speaking that way. It's actually about the fusion of divine spirit into all living beings, not a fusion of all things. It's thus a magical form of religion that was prevalent in many prehistoric cultures. As you might already have figured out, it's based in a dualistic way of thinking. The understanding or insight that came to me later was that all of creation is really One, so therefore the division into subject and object is illusory. The consequence of this deep onthological idea is that humans are also the divinity. They are not only of the divinity, they are it. It also means that we are co-creators of objective reality, as well as creators of our own subjective reality at the same time. I am truly and unquestionably a part of a network of things and events, and my every move affects it, just as it affects me. Quantum physics has explained these things rather nicely - the interested reader is encouraged to look up writings by David Bohm and Danah Zohar on the fascinating issue of creativity as explained through quantum theory. The lack of space unfortunately prevents me from digging deeper into all that here.

What then happened in my own tormented existence was that I was finding myself in the excruciating predicament of knowing that I am creating my own reality, but also understanding that I am not necessarily in a position to change it! Let me explain it a little better. While I do believe that we can affect our own future by making a clear statement in the here and now about what sort of life we want to experience later on and thus slowly making it happen, it is not always that easy. There are also times when there is nothing we can do but to try and hold onto the wagon the best we can. I was diving into a rather scary experience of reality where destiny was leading the way and all I could do was follow the course of events and play out a drama that was already… predestined.

How could that be if time is really an illusion, the sceptic would ask. Surely behind the simple laws of nature and karma there are timeless laws that turn our little point in time into infinity? If time is tied to matter then surely timelessness prevails in non-physical dimensions - presuming, of course, that there is more to existance than what meets the eye… Oh yes, that I do believe, ever so much! Behind the veil of matter is just that, a realm of timelessness. Have you never thought it is funny how humans always measure eternity in terms of endless amounts of time? Well, to me it never made sense. What I saw was that whatever happens right here and now within the time frame happens all the time. Or if that sounds a bit quirky (because this is hard to explain in simple words), consider that the beginning and the end of an event is illusory and that all that is, is in reality not tied to time at all but happens here and now at all times. Still confused? Well, I don't blame you. But if you look into the matter more closely, maybe you'll see that I might have a point though.

Suffise to say that I have a strong sense of being unable to affect what has to be. I am not saying that this should pertain to all human beings. I believe it all depends on what kind of life you are meant to live and, perchance, have chosen to live. I think there are various options there.

Be it what it may, but I personally used to feel that I never had to make any choices at all. In fact I felt that life made the choice on my behalf, so as to speak. Later on in life as I opened up on an emotional level, I suddenly found myself in the sphere of choices. It seems that the chaotic realm of emotions was responsible for a newfound freedom of choice, albeit agonizing. As I make a choice, it is the result of great suffering. Yet ironically, the outcome does not strike me as haphazard at all. Afterwards, it makes all the sense in the world. It has to be. Even if I had forced myself to make another one, I could not have changed the course of events to any greater degree. I had to go through the process, I had to make the choice. It was inevitable in regard to the surrounding network of people and events that I am a seamless part of. I even feel that I never change the course of events. In fact, I am in the flow. This probably sounds uncanny to many of you. Well, this is the consequence of my personal experience of life, although doubtlessly one with a limited view! However, it is my understanding that spirituality and secularization become meaningless concepts in the face of Destiny as it ploughts its way through the fertile soil of a life with the freedom of choice. I would go as far as to claim, that whatever choice I have to make, it is already in existence, and that whole point with the liberty of choice is the process involved rather than the goal that has to be reached in order for Life to achieve its most eligible expression.

All I can do is try and keep my favourite mottos in mind, not least the paradoxical Taoist saying “make an effort without an effort”. In a strange and deeply paradoxical way, I am not free to break away from the circumstances of my rather humble little life, but compelled and almost obliged to follow what Life is intending my existance to be. Yet at the same time I do have to work at it! In sweat and blood and tears… the lot. Someone might say that I am letting God take care of my life. Well, personally I don't like to say that because to me any talk of a Superior Entity is splitting the “me” away from the totality of existance and creating a division between me and It. I don't see a division. All I see is a fundamental paradox where my own personal significance is totally nonexistant and truly enormous at the very same time. And that I can have a choice in any matter whatsoever, but never in a fundamental and truly ontological way.