When Life is Overwhelming

I believe that I was fearful of incarnating into this life. I am sure I was very much aware of the dangers of getting lost on the way. Of losing sight of my purpose and my faith when submerged in amnesia and the heavy energies of this level. I don't know where I come from. I may be a very old human being. Or I may originate from another planet and/or dimension. But what does it really matter? From lack of any hard evidence about the age and origin of my soul, I have learnt to rely on my mental faculties alone. Through the process of deep thinking and intuitive insight, I've come to a number of conclusions about the nature of reality and the mission of this particular life.

I have learnt what it means to be human. I don't know why, other than that it has humbled me and maybe made me into a more compassionate being. There is not really any way that I can fool my ego to believe that I'm a superior being. Even my talents are heavily limited by the lack of tools. The tools that I have to use are not very refined. Language and the media of the arts seem rather clumsy and lacking in intricasy. Still, I have learnt to respect them for what they are and make the most of them. I know I could have made more of them than I have... however I have also run into limitations concerning my physical self. My brain is not really what I wish it would be and my body is ailed by a condition that circumscribes it's capacity and accuracy. Over the years I've come to understand that much of my frustration lies in the feeling of entrapment. I sense that I am a vaster being than what I am able to express through the physical realm. My body in its present form simply cannot contain what I really am. And in addition, the frustration has eated up a lot of the capacity that was originally there, so that I involuntarily turned out to be my own worst enemy. This is in my opinion the sign of a strong mind! Power is just power, and only the intention can determine whether it results in positive or negative actions and states of being. In the end I had to apply for disability due to physical trouble that cannot be rectified.

I also believe that I was a hyper sensitive child who reacted more strongly to negative input than many other children do. For a while I truly believed that I was a callous and unfeeling being. This was during my early teens. A few years later, it occurred to me that I had protected my self by deepfreezing my emotions. I missed having them and feeling more connected to life, though I could no longer really remember what that was like. I just knew that I was going about life in the wrong way. I decided to take a leap and plunge right into pulsating society and the life that other people were living. This resulted in serious problems. I did not feel any fear or any weakness on the mental level. But my fatigued and tense physical self teamed with a strong desire to connect with other people and feel more alive was driving me into a very precarious state of being. It took years to sort it all out. It took several burn outs, too. I had sneak behind my own back in order to go into some relationships that helped release some of the frozen energies and the protection surrounding my heart. My rational mind said don't do it, so I had to find a way of fooling myself... All this could took a great toll on my nervous system. I might have killed myself in my desperate attempts to connect with others and to help them. I managed to stop myself before it was too late as I understood that I must take care of myself instead of seeking the love and affection of a relationship. It was difficult for me to let go because I thought I might not get another chance to have a romantic relationship. I knew it was silly of me to think that way but I also knew that I wanted to have that experience in this life and that I am way too complex for most men to deal with and understand.

I made a decision to let go and try and stay positive. I was very fatigued and my body was in a lot of pain. I felt very unattractive and unwanted. But I knew that moping around wouldn't get me anywhere. I simply had to take the chance and believe or hope that there would be a nice way for me to experience love on a personal level, but also to develop my capacity for love on a more universal level.

However, what really hurts both my body and my mind is the sensitivity. Part of it is no doubt a result of my physical condition and the disturbed nervous system. I'm hypersensitive to any sensorial input, but hardly ever with any pleasure involved. In fact, living really hurts. I also still have a great deal of trouble to navigate on the social arena. My efforts to connect with people haven't really paid off in the long run, and so I am terribly preconditioned to feel scared and suspiscious about other people's intentions. Despite all of my skills and insight I fail to manage my contacts. Despite all of my social trophees I remain an outsider and a kind of an outcast. I have tried so hard, yet it's never enough. I do wish to live and so I don't feel alienated from my spirit. Yet... I simply have to surrender to the limitations and the karmic debts of this particular existence and hope that it will be better in the next one.

(The title refers to a book on hypersensitive people by Eileen Aaron. About 20-25 % of the population is supposedly hypersensitive)