On the Issue of Helping

Let's face it, we are all very self-centred beings. There's nothing significantly wrong with that per se, we do need to take care of our own evolution. However, to cross over the boundaries of the self and evolve compassion takes an enormous spiritual effort and is surely not done in one lifetime! But as the heart opens up and closes down over and over again, countless times over a long period of time, the tugging need to care for others as well as ourselves becomes a more and more urgent issue. There will be times of bitterness and desillusion, but something deep inside us will try and reach our consciousness to compel us not to go down the road of emotional indifference... It is very tempting to close off altogether and become a callous and selfish person.

At some point the callous stance will not make any more sense, however. A need to be loved will make itself known, and one will understand that it's a matter of give and take. If only it was that easy! Unfortunately, many of us get confused over the way this interaction is supposed to take place, and so we start to give more in order to get more. How easy it is to fall into the trap of pleasing! It seems to work. It seems to get us what we want. But will it work in the long run? Of course not. One big reason is of course that people will start to use us to serve their own purposes. We will end up drained and desillusioned, and maybe our tender hearts will close off again...

It takes a bit of wisdom to understand what love is really about. Love is a natural force, so as to speak, the glue that holds the universe together. It's also at the base of everything that exists. It's something we long for simply because we are made of love and it feels natural and good to give into it. But it would be meaningless if it was not also rather hard to attain. Part of the play of life is going through challenges that support a development towards greater inner balance and rightful interaction with the external world. How do I care for others while still taking care of myself? Somehow one needs to learn to love the self first in a sound way so that one can then know what it means to love another person. This is a maze that many get lost in for a while, as it is not an obvious case at all. Most of us have not been thought how to love the self in a natural way and so reconstructing self love later in life can take many odd forms before it comes out just right.

One of the traps on the way is in my view the thing about helping others. I think people tend to swing from one extreme to another before they find the middle path that puts things in their rightful perspectives and creates harmony and a balanced way of life. It's all too easy to ease our bad conscience by acts of charity. But are we really just trying to alleviate our guilty feelings by donating money to the poor and unfortunate? Is it going to buy us a place in heaven, so as to speak? Of course not. But even when we have seen through this illusion, there are others still to be aware of. One is the redeemer's syndrome. It is believing that you're sincere at heart and a good human being because you wish to help. Actually this is a variation on the same theme. The fakeness of the charitable acts has been wrecked but has it been replaced with 100 % purity of love and compassion? I would think not, simply because these high moral values don't come easy. So while we are still struggling to manage our egoistic pursuits, I would suggest the following:

In order to cultivate the purity of our hearts, it may be a good idea to avoid the idea of "helping" altogehter. I think that an act of "helping" risks becoming a one-way street rather than being a dynamic two-way street that all constellations between people should be... Usually the ego is involved as soon as we think the thought "I want to help this person". At the base is the belief that we will be better people the more we offer our help. This looks like a truth, but it's a fallacy in disguise that is mostly just evolving our sense of self-importance. A helping act really has to happen spontaneously, on the universe's terms. There will be a sense of a rush of energy when this opportunity arises (and it may not be the way you imagine it should be). Most likely you will in that instant help the other person to help themselves rather than just help. There is simply no way that you can know exactly what another person needs. It's a good thing if they ask for your help, yet that is still no guarantee that you should actually do anything. It could be that they are just manipulating you.

I would suggest forgetting the term "help" altogether and focusing more on just being a good co-human being and showing graciousness in the little acts also towards those who don't SEEM to need it. You never know what needs are lurking behind the surface and when a seemingly insignificant word or gesture will be a much needed element in the puzzle of someone else's life. It's better not to try and make personal judgments about the state of affairs. This is my experience anyway and I hope it's of some "help" (lol). However, do not be too hard on yourself! I know it's hard to eliminate the word "helping" from the vocabulary altogether... The fact that you're thinking in terms of wanting to alleviate other people's suffering is already a sign that you're a mature human being that is well on his or her way towards a perfectly informed and discerning way of life. And of course, a loving way of life, too!

P.S. The idea of saving the world can be very stifling... at least it has been to me. I've had a hard time accepting that I can only do some small things to help alleviate the suffering of the world, and also that some people or entities are beyond "redemption" and so intervention from the outside is not an option. In the end we need to take charge of our own lives and our own happiness. I'd say we live in a constant state of paradox, and so we are not really responsible for others yet we are responsible for making the collective a better place to be. Thus we can only really manage our little role in the bigger network that is everything.. Supporting each other in that process is a different issue, though... Hail to support and encouragement!