Deprived and not able to figure out why

I wrote this blog a few days ago while I still had hope that things would work out regarding my transition to a new and better life. It certainly seemed that it would have been a better life packed with new experiences of love and sharing. But I guess some of us are just not able to trigger some life's button of sorts to make good things happen, or then the karma is 100% obliging. So right now I'm giving up. I'll hybernate. No use fighting, no use trying. At least for now. I guess I've written enough blogs. All I can do is just try hanging in there, which I guess doesn't comprise a lightworker's definition. I felt I was one but in reality I can't accomplish anything of any substance, just barely stay alive. Besides, I tend to work with the shadows so I'm by definition a shadow worker, which in my life means cleaning up my and other people's messes.

Things are looking really bad regarding my plans and projects, and I don't understand why. I'm trying to do everything right and have faith. But if I'm not granted the possibility of going to the States then I'll have to continue my gloomy life in Finland, where I've never felt at home and where my social status is as low as can be When people have been caught in the social trap it would take a miracle to get them out of there, and to do it on one's own is not really possible if you have a debilitating condition. I thought an opportunity was opening up for me, but doors seem to be closing again. Happiness eludes me. I don't see how I can evolve on my own in a miserable place but I guess there's nothing more I can do about it but to accept it. Just let go of my hopes and dreams. I thank those who have tried to connect with me on some level and maybe I'll see you around some other time in the unlikely case that life will show its brighter side.

This is the blog I published earlier on my and my boyfriend's attempts to unite and construct a relationship together:

"The story about how my boyfriend and I met will be told another time... It is a rather romantic story but one that I don't want to reveal until we are finally together. Right now what consumes me is how he and I can start our life together. I am incredibly busy and preoccupied figuring it out and trying to arrange with practicalities - so why am I sitting here writing then? Because I'm so exhausted. Often when I'm tired like this it seems to be the only constructive thing I can do. Unless I'm too tired to think straight, of course.

I really want to believe that part of all the symptoms I have are due to an emotional and spiritual transition, and not only due to the physical move and my illness. The fact is, I need to move from my homecountry in order to be with my dear one in the United States. The number of challenges that we have encountered prior to our relationship as well as after we became acquainted, are countless. But what the move entails really takes the prize. There have been so many twists and turns regarding the legality of my intention to stay over there, the visa matters, the documents required, the specifics regarding the transportation of my cats, the emotional trauma of having to sell or give away most of my belongings, the choices regarding the things that I want to keep and the question of how to ship them over, worries regarding the removal of things to my mother's crowded home, worries about the nature of my new relationship, and last but not least, the issue of money. If there was money, everything would be reasonably easy. I'm of course penniless, as I am on disability. But for some karmic reason my boyfriend has suffered an infinite series of setbacks over the last year that has left him in great debt. And as many of you know, once an American is poor, all privileges are withdrawn from him. Today he was going to purchase his planeticket with money gained from selling one of his tools of the trade. Yet more misfortune struck in the form of an illness, and he was unable to. Ironically, I have my ticket just about covered (call it a dowry...) but will not be able to leave my apartment without his assistance. Plus other things that I won't go into here.

I'm not used to asking for help simply because every time I've asked, I have been left to figure things out on my own. And that's ok, we are here to learn and to clear out our own mess. But I thought to anyway ask for a few kind thoughts from my loyal friends here at this site, simply a little prayer that things will really work out in the best way... I don't think adversities are meaningless, so I'm not really thinking that any chain of events should be reversed... the trick is to have the stamina to see it all through! We are so at the end of our wits and physically exhausted.. yet it has become clear that the adversities are not a sign that we should quit our project, but rather that we should see what we really want and what really matters. And I'm very happy and fortunate to be able to say that my dear one has had the realization that he's willing to sacrifice all he has just so that we can be together. Of course that is not what I want for him to do, but knowing that he's willing to means the world to me... Never ever have I been so highly valued by anyone who was not a member of my immediate family and whose opinion actually counts! Although I've had a lot of worries, I have no real qualms about leaving my past life behind and starting a new one on another continent and with this particular person, although it means I have to leave my rather lonely mother and possibly also my lovely cats for an uncertain length of time. This is the change that I need, the transition that I need, the adventure that I need... and the love that I need. Pray that all goes well!!!"