My identitycrisis

As I had trouble getting out of bed today I don't feel I can spend too much time online. But as I am always processing something or another I thought that maybe putting down a few words about a certain issue would help me forwards. So this is not an attempt to explain anything, just clear my own mind a little.

It has been a heavy week as I've had to sort out my relationship with my parents and try and explain to them about my intentions to travel to a far away country in a way that will ease their worries a little bit. I've never doubted that they care about me and that I was a wished for child, yet I did not get from them what I needed when I was a child. This is one of the things that has caused me to dig out large portions of my subconscious mind ever since I was a teenager. I do not think, however, that I have only been dealing with childhood stuff. I see my life as encompassing way more problematic issues than that.

This week especially, I have also had to deal with a lot of practical issues surrounding my big leap into the unknown. All this seemed overpowering when I started to gather the necessary information, but I took my time as I knew that I must try not to wear myself out too much, and so I'm almost there now. For someone like me, taking care of things that seem quite ordinary to others, require immense efforts. On top of the physical and mental strain of overcoming the heaviness of the practical realm and the fear of it, I have to endure the inner processes of letting go of everything that I'm used to. Of course I never thought it would take such a toll on me. Now I see that maybe it's best that I don't take the leap in quite such a radical way as I first envisaged. I have to take baby steps in order to keep up with the inner changes. So I guess things are going ok...

One thing that has come up once more is my eternal identity crisis. I am part of a minority in a bilingual country. That has always caused me anxiety as I am not able to feel at home with the culture of the majority. I dislike most things about it. I realize that I have been born into a country that represent values and manners that are opposite to what feels natural to me. This has comprised a part of the challenges that I've had to face in this life. My way of escaping the most obvious cause of tension was to turn to a third language and try and learn it well. I also felt that this language would be my portal to another kind of reality some time in the future. I hope this time has now come.

While I've lived abroad I have also realized, that I may never feel perfectly at home anywhere. I am simply not at home on Earth. I rever it very much and I am more directed towards it than away from it. So I am not as interested as many of the folks here on this site in stuff that goes on in other dimensions. Although I don't deny them, I feel that my challenge is right here and that I need to really try and stay grounded in this reality. Incidentally, there is no earth on my astrological chart...

Ever since I started cruising around on the internet in search of likeminded people, I've also realized that finding a "home" in this sense may be a vain pursuit as well. Sometimes I feel very much at a loss and alienated from everyone else. For someone who has spent most of her life trying to integrate into society and building up a network of friends, the realization that these things don't last has been hard to deal with. In the end, most people only come and go in my life and the encounters remain brief. I simply have to accept that this is the case. I have always shunned words such as "outsider" or "dissident" as I've thought of them as being signs of arrogance and haughtiness. Now I am starting to think that they have been part of my shadow and need to be acknowledged as parts of my personality and mission on Earth.

I am having to leave the safety of my home and my homecountry and accept that the identity I've struggled to create will have to change. I feel that what I've known about myself will shift. I'm sure most people wouldn't even notice the difference. I feel that something subtle will change, though. But feeling truly at home may not be a luxury that I can afford in this lifetime. I think it's time to feel more "like myself", and more at ease with my environment. Yet if I follow the logic of my life, greater attachment or clinging is not what the inner change should be about. I hope there will be more love and joy, and that it will help me feel more secure, but that this is not about a false sense of security. I am hoping that part of it might be a greater emotional space in which there is room for a form of detachment that is healthy and liberating rather than limiting and incapacitating.