This Crazy Transition

A few months ago when I realized that I might have an opportunity to relocate, a great time of transition started. I encountered a man who lives in the United States. This is a story I don't want to reveal too much of until I have gone there to see how everything really feels. I have been a complete muddle of mixed emotions as the obstacles that had to be overcome where enormous. I am due to go in just a few days' time, and I am getting close to being ready to go. My luggage still has a few extra kilos that need to be dealt with, but it's almost there.... and so finally as the end of the worst part of my strife is drawing closer, I also feel something positive and happy inside of me. I hardly dare call it an anticipation of a better life, because I'm so used to being taken right back to Earth if I ever venture to have hope for the future (and more love!). But I have embarked on this crazy journey in search of a lighter and better place to be, and that is a fact. I just knew I had to do it. I could no longer feed myself with reassurance that the place where I'm at at the moment is a good enough place to be. I tried very hard to find contentedness in what I had, but I also knew that sooner or later I would have to take off.

Leaving my abode is not something I could ever have done on my own. Such are my life's circumstances. So I needed help. Now I have somewhere to go. A person who sees me for who I am and who thinks the world of me. Who cares enough in his heart to put up with all the things we've had to go through in order for me to relocate. I am not talking of a complete relocation here, as circumstances have prevented me from leaving my apartment, and having things shipped to another continent is a very costly affair. I have to take baby steps in order to manange all this. Still it has been an extremely heavy affair; arduous beyond belief. Never have the mundane realm proven to be more full of resistance! But I have also felt a need to prepare myself mentally for a complete move. Letting go of so many of my possessions, my pets (at least temporarily), my parents, my friends, my old, useless and illusory, but well known, sense of security... This has been emotionally trying. On top of this I have gone through many other things that have all interconnected with this life changing event.

The past year has been one of dealing with a lot of desillusions regarding other people. As I have attempted to change my ways and instead reach out and ask for help and advice, I have often been bluntly rejected or ignored. I have had to deal with plenty of feelings but also a struggle to remain tolerant and grow more compassion. I have realized that the old me is gone: the one who was likeable because she tried to please other people and retain a sense of harmony at all costs. The person that has emerged has become forced to hold onto her own truth in the face of people who wish to create confusion or simply act in a derogatory or patronizing way out of ignorance. I have found myself in a maze of human relationships that have truly made me feel that nothing is as scary as the realm of human behaviour and its erratic nature. But not all is bad, of course! Wouldn't that be easy! Discernment has to practised to its fullest so that one can start to feel safe in the face of the chaos of positive and negative influences.

My last blog initiated a very nice and helpful dialogue with someone, and I think in order to present a clearer picture of stuff that I've been dealing with I should here include a certain conclusion I came to after having bounced ideas back and forth. Some of my greatest fears are surely fears that I share with many other sensitive beings. This is a somewhat edited version of what I wrote:

"It's true that allowing ourselves to be drained in order to please other people's egos is all about boundaries, and is thus, I think, one of the most confusing issues we can possibly imagine. What we learnt or failed to learn about that as children marks us very strongly. Everything is about boundaries; even deciding how much personal stuff we should put out there for others to read and evaluate... I do like to bring a discussion onto a more personal level but it's scary too, as we have to admit to weaknesses that might be harshly judged. I could discuss this in any of the pods but to be quite honest, I am not strong enough to withstand the public eye to that extent right now.

I have tried to live by the idea that whatever you see wrong in other people, resonates with a problem you have within yourself. In order to heal we need to find an environment that is truly allowing, but it's not always so easy to come by (or attract, if we are jammed inside). The point is to find the kind of interaction that somehow contains a sense of mutual respect (once we have realized that's what we want and need), so that even when situations get a bit out of hand there is willingness to quickly reset the balance. I think any extremes are derogatory - things can degenerate pretty fast if we allow people to drain us, but they also degenarate if we are too strict and controlling about what we allow people to share in with. Another of the "old truths" is that we tend to seek relationships that are reminscent of those we had as a child. Until we break the spell, of course. Then we have to face a terrible decision: are we going to hope that the other person starts to grow from that point forward or are we going to "abandon" them? I say abandon simply because that's the emotional truth in most cases, even when we might understand that the break up may be best for both (as the problems in question always seem to involve two people...).

I think that one of the crappier situations in my life are when people don't tell me why they want to stay away from me. If there is some obvious reason, I'd prefer to know, even if they told me that I drain them (horror of horrors, but it might be true!). I might not like it, but living with the sense of not knowing why is worse! But it's sad how little people are prepared or trained to do this! It's just easier to fade away... that to me is sad and sometimes even cowardly -it's a way of not taking responsibility of the collective that we are part of and the constellation in particular. I'm not saying I always do this either or that one even gets an opportunity to. I think this is really very hard to do. We are preoccupied with so many issues all the time, and so not dealing with all the details of social interaction is understandable. But I wish human beings would be at least a little more mindful about how they interact with others.

The feeling that one cannot speak one's truth in fear of being shunned or abandoned is probably at the bottom of most bad connections, but how screwed up is that? I know that I was making great efforts to try and speak my truth as a child but no one would listen. It was awful and of course very disempowering. So now I feel that if someone asks something of me, I'm in trouble if I say no. This pertains to many cases, of course not all. I am talking of cases which go against my instinct and cause a sense of worry in me. Saying yes however often means being drained. It's a kind of catch 22 to that is really hard to resolve. "Just give love and compassion" is nonsensical in that sort of situation! Not because of a lack of belief in those things but because it turns into an obligation... "

Now I try and speak my truth, stay grounded in it, and withstand the disapproval that I meet with all around. I know it's a relative truth, one that is only valid within a certain frame of time and space. But it's who I am right now, and it might very well be connected to the mission or vocation that I have as an individual in this world. I am but a grain of sand... but my greatest conviction is that I do have something urgent to say. I hope people will listen, as I hope that I can find a greater sense of meaning in my existence and the things I have gone through. But maybe that is not something I should put my hopes in. I should just do what I have to do and let it stay at that. I am at peril, but I may also gain the most valuable thing of all: a truly purposeful life.