Finally in the US: the Challenges are Infinitely Complex

So now I'm finally in the US trying to figure out where to go from here! The journey was pretty frightening in many ways. I will paste some text I wrote last week while I was stuck in Chicago in Holiday Inn (with incessant input of Christmas songs that would drive any sane person to the edge of a breakdown!):

"A few words while I'm here stranded in the middle of the USA waiting to see if I can get on a flight in a few hours or not. The trip here to the land of opportunity has been very tough indeed! So many miles to walk with heavy luggage, so many security controls, so many aggressive energies and suspiscious questions! I know all this is part of the way things are these days but boy is it all frightening! My body is aching like hell and sometimes my heart races like crazy, but I will not be defeated!

In Finland we have plenty of ice and snow and so to come to this was a little surprising to say the least! My flight from Chicago was cancelled while we were already on the plane, and it was actually 4 o'clock in the morning my time. So many challenges, so many worries... I ended up in a hotel that I can'f afford but who cares! I could not take my luggage as I can't carry it on my own, and so the clothes on my body are slowly starting to make people keep a safe distance to me. But the relief of a hot bath after 24 hrs of nightmare... I'm surviving, somehow, and trying to manage despite the fact that people with my condition should not be going through these kinds of things on their own! I feel a bit "lost", lol.

I have my wonderful laptop but no adapter to adapt it to the American powersystem! If I have to stay on I'll have to try and find one so I can feel more connected to the world and my near ones especially. My cellphone is slowly running out of battery too."

After a lot of worrying and carrying and infinite security checks where I was searched and questioned about my intentions regarding my stay in the US, I finally got on a plane to Kansas City and met my boyfriend there. He had been in an almost-accident the day before due to the "Killer Ice" that was preventing me from arriving that very same day. His back was in a terrible state and so things were not starting very well for us, as he's been in a lot of pain. I was also overtaken by fears of whether I would adjust to all these new things (yes, everything is different from what I'm used to!). I feel at a loss as to my purpose and even my sense of identity, as I don't have any supportive network here, nor things that would reinforce my sense of self. I can see that this might be a spiritual challenge - make do with nothing but yourself and rely on no illusory security or objects of identification!

But then there is the relationship, that requires quite a lot of adjustment too. I have strong positive feelings for my boyfriend, whom I am only now getting to know properly. But it's also obvious that we have big issues to solve regarding our personal deeply ingrained patterns. Is love a cure all? I know from experience that good will is not enough. I do not have much time to determine whether I can change my own negative attitudes and whether my companion will also make the necessary adjustments. When should people just shut up about things that seem annoying to them and when should they speak up or maybe even leave the situation? I simply do not know and I feel fear that I will not be able to figure it out in the short time that I have. Most of the time I try not to sit around and worry too much, as it's obvious that thinking can cause even more stress and initiate more conflicts. However, denying the issues and not thinking about them at all is not going to make them go away either. I know that when I worry, it's usually because there are reasons to.

Once again, I find myself kind of cornered by life (or myself, as I got myself into this situation): love and take whatever goes with the same package or leave and risk losing an opportunity to grow and become a happier person. Yes I do feel love! But am I doing what is right towards myself and my own integrity???