On Destiny and Freedom of Choice

Perhaps it is my destiny to have my belief in destiny challenged. A paradox, I know. How else can we explain things other than through a paradoxical way of looking at our experiences of dual reality? As for destiny... well, I don't seem to be able to give up my hope that a certain path is "meant to be". Yet at the same time, I realize that I might have to let go of it eventually if I am to reach a new level of understanding. What I am really holding onto is the idea of destiny, in other words, the theory. I can conceive of a mental idea that we have chosen our destiny before incarnating on Earth but at the same time obeying the laws of karma. As life is organic and not mechanical, there has got to be a certain freedom to the way in which this destiny unfolds. Small and big things affect one another... the chain of events that leads up to our personal reality in the here and now may alter the shape of our experiences. I am also sure that achieving certain inner insights is what counts, not so much the way we get there. But as I said, this is what my mental understanding more or less looks like. It is not enough. Everything has to be learnt through actual experience as well. This is one reason I have not blogged for a while. I have been too busy trying to live life and grasp whatever I am "supposed to" understand. Another reason is that I have been feeling especially vulnerable to critique and not very confident about the benevolence of all those who might read my texts. But let's not get into that right now. I will try and describe some of my experiences nonetheless because I'm desperate to understand and to find answers.

I thought I knew about emptiness and I thought I had accepted it. Last autumn, however, I started to feel that I was too attached to my belongings. I saw an opportunity to change my life circumstances radically and to rid myself of as much as possible so that I might be able to start a new life without a lot of baggage from the past. Maybe I was kidding myself into believing that we can detach from all possessions. I am by no means a fanatic and did not intend to become an ascetic, but I thought I could somehow "fix" the need of things for a sense of security. I worked really hard on this but in the end I had to leave the task somewhat unfinished and take off to the US as planned. The fact that I was going to another continent for a longer period of time in the hope of staying there was of course the main driving force in trying to sort out my worldly possessions. Shipping things over on a larger scale is not really an option unless you are wealthy. I figured being poor kind of came in "handy" since it forced me to be really discerning about my stuff.

Thus I arrived in the US with a fair amount of clothes and belongings, most of which turned out completely useless for a variety of reasons. I had not anticipated a cold winter, the difficulty in finding simple household items and personal items of hygiene of a kind that I am used to, nor the living conditions in the apartment complex where I found myself... I was taken aback to say the least. How could ordinary things be so different from Europe? I had to struggle to find an adapter for my laptop and a shower head so that I could wash up in a satisfactory way. I had a really hard time making my way through the supermarket trying to figure out what was edible from my semi-vegetarian point of view. Simple things such as easy-to-prepare soya products that would make a tasty meal prepared in my fashion was impossible to find and so my meals were not very palatable - since my partner has had to change his bad eating habits it would have been great if I could have offered tasty alternatives. Although products often contain plenty of fibers they are laden with salt and sugar. I am scared of losing my good old habits.

Some time after my arrival my laptop started to display strange symptoms. First a key started to malfunction. In order to fix that I would have had to send the whole computer back to Finland. After a while the pc started to get slow and was obviously overheating. Although only a year old, it ended by crashing down. Now I have to say that apart from some music cd:s, the pc was the one thing that gave me a sense of self in a strange environment. Working on my photos or writing my journal/book was my way of preoccupying myself. While those around me were busy with other things, my pc gave me something to do. By the end of an intense information packed day it provided solace and clarity of thought. I had to give up some of my connection to the internet since I had to share the existing modem with others. I thought ok, it's part of the process of letting go. What I wasn't prepared for, however, was having to let go of the computer too.

So there I was, with almost nothing left that felt like "home". I had access to a Mac but the keyboard is American, which means that I cannot write my journal. Imagine that. It just never crossed my mind that I might need an extra Scandinavian keyboard in order to write in Swedish while over here in the US. I am able to process photos but that's about all I can do apart from trying to read a Ken Wilber book I bought (I don't really have the attention span for it right now) and watching some American shows on TV which quite frankly I am not terribly interested in.

Now the big question is whether I should try and stay on here or not. I am pressed on time. I need to make a big choice and fast. A choice!! Life used to be so much simpler because I never felt I had to make choices. Now all that has changed. Life is forcing me to take a stand, to be discerning, to try and figure out what is best for myself without the presence of any easy and obvious exit. (The keyboard could of course be gotten eventually and maybe the pc could be repaired, but it would take time and is only an option if I do decide to stay in this country.)

This is the material level. On the inner level, what has happened is that I have had to face another person's shadow self as well as my own, which makes us both feel pretty crappy and criticized. I have also taken on another person's challenges, and they are really bad at this time of his life (bringing out a side of him that I find hard to accept). Now is this meant to help me realize that it doesn't matter who bad things happen to? That we are all in this together and what happens to my neighbor could just as well happen to me? Should I just continue to try and be more supportive and find a purpose of existence through that? Or am I supposed to try and get away from the unease that all this creates in me? I do miss my own belongings and my cats, as well as Europe. Not to say that what I have over there is any better or more meaningful than what I have here - it just has the benefit of being familiar and well loved by me. But should I persevere in trying to make do without the things that obviously trigger emotional reactions of nostalgia and sadness in me? Should I try and see if stronger feelings of love could come out of this strange and scary situation? And most of all; is there really a destiny all planned out for me that I have to figure out or am I in for a real matter of personal choice this time? Can anybody help me figure this out?

Photography by Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2008, all rights reserved