Matters of the Heart

My friend Libra88's quotation (lightworkers.org/node/17998) on some views of the changes we may be going through on the heart level inspired me to write a little more about my American experience.

So I found myself in a situation that was stressful beyond belief. Not only did I have to try and make a relationship work on the most intense schedule imaginable, but I also had to face the enormous challenges that my companion is experiencing right now as well as my own inner turmoil. If he was more in tune with spiritual thought I am sure that it would be easier to agree on things. As it is, he is a deep and sincere person with some interest in leading a life that would be constructive in a spiritual sense. I hope it will be enough. He is worried that I don't care enough about certain subjects of his interest. I find it very hard to explain why I am not so keen on many products of art and creativity of the past, as my focus seems to be on the creativity and evolutionary expansion of people of today. He doesn't think that art evolves all that much and that people have come up wit good ideas and points of view in the past as well. Although I agree on this, I am always looking for that "little extra", the added spice of a viewpoint that embraces a more holistic and spiritual idea of humanity. I feel that I am going crazy in trying to put my feelings into words.

I have never been infatuated with anyone and I don't believe that I could ever be. I have a realistic way of looking at things that tends to lift the veil off any emotional illusions. This is the only way I can explain it. The other explanation is of course that something is terribly wrong with me or that I haven't met my match yet. Although on occasion the latter viewpoints come to mind, I don't really experience them as valid. I simply don't feel quite human. The way I relate to humanness is quite objectified and detached except when I sense compassion for those in distress. I don't really feel other worldly either. In short I don't know what or who I am or why I am the way I am even though I've practiced introspection almost all of my life.

The crucial question right now is, do I take a leap and stay here in the US and take the rather intimidating consequences of my choice? Do I commit to my relationship and thus make a promise that I will try and embrace everything that my partner is? Do I take the risk that we will be forever "out of tune" when it comes to certain deeper viewpoints about spiritual growth or do I decide to be courageous and hopeful that all that will fall into place in time? Do I just linger on to see what may crystallize out of the trials we have been through lately?

In the beginning I felt mostly stress. Then I started to feel acute anxiety that made me fear that I would get my first panic attacks. Then after some time I started to cry my eyes out. I guess I feel heartbroken at the idea of having to leave, yet also scared that I might be heading for a really terrible depression if I went back to the old and lonely life in Finland. I burnt quite a few bridges before I came - not voluntarily though, they were things that just happened or came as the inevitable consequence of my departure. Of course, there is also the question of money. As we have none at the moment the legal aspects connected to an immigrant's visa are issues we may not be able to solve. So now my tensions are mostly turning into tears and I feel a heavy but somewhat active energy around my heart. Are all these things that are happening really meaningful? Is this radical experience of rootlessness and insecurity a way in which I can get more attuned to my heart? Will my mind have to turn in its theocratic approach to the heart? Is this what's going on? How long will I have to struggle with this angst about a foggy reality that provides no signs and no answers?

Photography by Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2008, all rights reserved