Entangled in the Realm of Emotions

I had nightmares before I was supposed to talk to my beloved mother on Skype for the first time in many weeks. I had to call early since the time difference between the countries we are in is 8 hours. It turned out to be a difficult talk. I thought it went more or less alright but apparently I didn't quite realize the impact it had on me. I felt out of balance during the day but then the pressure inside got so great that I virtually exploded like a plastic bag filled with water. I realized I was over reacting regarding some really minor issues to do with my companion. As I explained to him what had been going on it became clear to me how mixed the messages my mother was giving me were. I kept saying, "she only means well" and felt terrible for saying negative things about her in front of my boyfriend. But the truth is, she is acting like a hawk and keeping a very stern and watchful eye on him in protection of her adult daughter. I did tell her that some of her comments were crossing a line, but she dismissed it - as always, she has the right to be who she is and say what she wants. Of course it's all in the name of her love for me.

I am by far not the only one who has trouble with a parent or with both parents. Virtually everyone I know has some, and while in the case of my friendships it's something that connects us and works as a solid basis for friendship, it's not really a marginal issue. I have read about these things in women's magazines that my therapist gave me during the time that I was living in the same town as my mother. My therapist (who was not really a qualified therapist but merely one of supportive conversations that I saw every few weeks) did warn me that my mother might react in a strong emotional way when I left the country. I really value my mother's wisdom and insight, but unfortunately we have yet to figure out how to interact without an element of co-dependency. I am her only living relative and one she has depended on a lot throughout her life. Needless to say, I have depended on her for practical issues as well. But while I do care about her and share in with so many of her values, I also realized at an early age that our relationship was symbiotic in a way that was not conducive to my inner balance. And so I tried to escape in ways that would not be too hurtful to her. When I went to live in the same town as her I was hoping to fix our relationship, but I ended up getting even more closed off and stressed out than ever before. Somehow the lock just wouldn't unlock itself. I just could not let my guard down. And so in the end I fled. As the wise person that she is, she understands that we need time apart, and that maybe it is conducive to our growth as individuals. Yet in some funny way she is able to say things to me that make me feel even more uncertain about my choices. She reassured me that she would put up with my cats a little while longer while I'm trying to see if I should and can stay in the US or not. Still I was left with a terrible feeling of concern and guilt for my cats' sake. I also felt that my (divorced) parents are not able to disconnect from my choices with the contradictory excuse that I need to be more independent but I am obviously not trustworthy since I suffer from an impeding condition and have made odd choices in the past. I seem forever stuck in a land of contradictions and emotional conflicts that allow me to connect with my near ones on a certain spiritual level but not enough to provide me with the feeling that they truly understand my motifs and ways of looking at my own challenges. They totally believe in me and my potential, but the manifestation of this belief on the practical level of life has been scanty. While we all pretend we are not controlling each other and that we have unconditional care for one another, something different is being manifested in the space between us. What is this intangible element that usually go by the vague name of co-dependency? And of course I am by no means innocent. On some level I have agreed to play out this drama in order to learn more about life.

What can we do to heal a relationship in which the other part is not willing to admit to their shadow projections? How can we break the ongoing, repeated pattern of dysfunctional love in which the way to the other person's heart is subtle emotional blackmail and victimization? How can we stop attracting new people who reinforce the transference of this narcissist tendency or fix the ones that mirror all this without having to say goodbye to each one of them?

Right now I find myself in between two fires in more ways than one. I still do not know if I should stay here in the US or whether it is even possible for me to do so financially speaking. The change of status is very expensive and so are of course medical insurances and other things that one cannot live without in this country. I am at the end of my rope - I am not sure I can deal with another rupture, another departure, another heart ache. Although I miss my possessions and my cats as they are the things that have provided comfort during years of distress, I am not sure I am able to face another phase of loneliness and desolation in which there is apparently very little hope of inner development and a sense of hope. So if money was not an issue, would I stay here? Well, this is hard for me to answer. But I do feel that there is opportunity here in a way that is not available to me in my home country. I think that I need the distance from my parents and a place that holds many negative connotations for me. I don't see any other way of healing, or having the space to heal to be more exact. But I may be wrong, of course. I feel no certainty about anything right now.

Artwork "The Eagle's Watch", digital photography by V-M C 2008 (all rights reserved)