Cracks in My Armor

It’s no secret that I “loves me some” Youtube. I told “Leo” last night how I always wished I was an artist, so I could add illustrations to my writings. I could just “feel” what should accompany them, but the best I can do is “stick people.” Wait, I am a little better than that. I can put clothes on the stick people-dresses, pants and even shorts! And shoes! But after that, “I got nuttin.” I shared with him how wonderful it is to find the perfect (at least in my mind) "illustration" at Youtube. It’s always so satisfying to add a video or song to one of my “babies.” (okay, promise to cool it on all the quotation marks)

So, I was strolling through videos the other day, minding my own business while having been concerned about something for a couple of days. It crossed my mind how I said the first week of this blog that I wasn’t going to use it as my journal. I had no interest in posting about what time I got up, how I didn’t exercise today either, what I was feeling emotionally or who I might vote for.

It didn’t take long though, for me to realize that in order to share a lot of the messages I get from Spirit, I am going to have to share a lot of “me.” As I said in About LoveSpeakes, I can now sit, ask questions and get answers. The problem is, when I get that urge to sit and chat, I am usually feeling something pretty deep as well as personal. Well, at least it starts out personal, but in the end, as was shared in Love Speaks…the conversations and messages are personal, but at the same time for many persons.

Back to strolling Youtube with this on my mind. I “somehow stumbled” on Wynonna Judd singing I Can Only Imagine. (Put Wynonna I Can Only Imagine in the Youtube search, and choose the one posted by NIKKIDD.) I had never heard the song, but love her so decided to watch and listen. The song was nice, but the best part and the part I was meant to see, was her setting up the song.

She began by sharing how music has saved her many times; thing in common number one. She talked about the roller coaster of a journey her life has been; thing in common number two. She spoke of having had her heart broken many times; thing in common number three. At this point she was trying so hard not to cry which I instantly felt and understood, so I was now teary with her. Then she said something that I needed to hear. I knew at that moment why I was meant to “stumble” on that particular video. I needed something to convince me I was to continue to pretty much open up the "curtains" of my life. If no one ever peeked out from behind those curtains, we would all be walking around so full of unexpressed emotion; trying so hard to convince ourselves and others that life is good 24/7. It would be nice, but do you really know anyone whose life is?

She said, “Mama recently said, 'honey, let ‘em see the brokenness; let ‘em see the cracks in your armor. That’s how the Light gets out.'” Wow. “That’s how the Light gets out.” I instantly knew, I am to continue to freely feel, ask and share without the worry of showing the cracks in my armor. I never do well trying to live in that suit of armor, and now I can let go of some of the embarrassment of sharing that “humanness.” Trying to live as if I don’t feel, is what has me needing to sit and have conversation after conversation; desperately looking to be reassured that I am okay and normal. Most times actually, what I am looking for is to know that I am not alone and that I am loved. Why would I or anyone think no one else has those same needs?

I was thinking today how my nephew once told his mom about Karen Carpenter, “You know Mom, if you listen to the words, most of her songs are really sad. Poor thing.” I remember thinking how right he was and realizing it never really registered. I’ve always loved The Carpenters and just about every single song, but it just hit me today-her biggest hits, were songs filled with pain, loneliness and longing for love. Why were they big hits? Because we all feel, and want to know and feel Love.

So, like Wynonna and Karen, I am going to stop polishing my suit of armor and shoving putty in its cracks. Instead I'm going to let my Light shine through each and every weathered crack so that you, too, can let yours. That was the whole point from the very first message I received. To first find the comfort I needed so badly, then to turn around and share it with others who also needed that same comfort.

I don't mind being one who raises her hand and asks the embarrassing questions. Life is much easier for me when I stop pretending all my needs are met. I have less anxiety about being seen than I do about feeling invisible and alone.

To be honest, as soon as I am done writing I first sit and wait for the title to come through. (it always follows the conversation) I then feel so much better that already it no longer feels like "mine" and mine alone. For that reason, I will continue to share our personal moments and the messages that come through for many persons.