Time to Go

The time has come to buy a new suitcase and return to Finland. After several good talks with my partner the conclusion seems to be that I do have to go. There are so many questions still in my mind though I don't feel quite as confused as before. So...
- why was my flight booked a day too late which means that I will be overstaying my visa by 12 hours. The immigration office made a great fuss about this at the border, but now I am unable to find another flight back.
- why has my bf's lawyer not taken care of my bf's financial issues so that he would have a more secure feeling about the future and know whether he will even have money for food... let alone get married to me which he seems to want very much? There is not even money to file for a petition so that in 6 months I can have a fiances visa and return with it for an indefinite stay... The longer the petition is postponed, the longer I will have to wait in Finland. What kind of test of life is this?
- Why are the tax returns never arriving, only a bill for him to pay due to the illness he was succumbed to last year?
- Why are things so complicated and looney at his new workplace? He is an excellent teacher but people are trying to rip him off (which is hard because he is already financially ruined because of them and the previous workplace)?
- Why do I miss Europe so much but am also thinking of the North West of the USA since many years back? Is that were our future lies? If so, what other than faith will it take to get us over there and find a job for my partner?!
- How will I survive so many months alone in Finland while I am waiting to see if my visa is being approved (6 months)..? I will have to have some income since all my meagre resources have gone into this trip to the US and there is nothing left for food.
- Why did I bring so much stuff over here... I guess I should leave most of them and plan on being back. It doesn't make sense otherwise! I also packed a lot of my possessions and threw a lot of it as well. Surely I did it out of a gut feeling or was I just being too optimistic about leaving my home?
- In short, why do we have to wait and fret for so long, not knowing whether there will be money enough in August as planned?

Breaking up is breaking my heart. But knowing that my bf has deep love for me and really wants me around despite my obvious annoying faults, does help. I guess we both need more time of our own to sort our lives out. He has plenty to do and so do I unless I am overtaken by depression and worries. I want to make more art and I hope I will be able to even though I dislike my apartment quite a bit. And I need to read some and write a lot. I don't really want to go and find it so hard to make the final decision. But maybe this is the only way we can minimize the risks of complete financial and mental failure... I know I also have to make efforts to meditate and try the practices that have been suggested to me as soon as I can afford an internet line. So if I am not around so much after a week's time when I have to go home, it is because of that. Oh well, anyway, I need to turn in now. Hugs to everyone.

Digital photography "Time to Go" by V-M C 2008, all rights reserved