A WICKED GARDEN FILLED WITH MERCY

THIS IS AN UPDATE TO MY SON MIKEL, FOR THOSE FOUR OF YOU THAT BOTHERED TO RESPOND TO ME IAM VERY GREATFUL THANKYOU, EVERYBODY SEEMS TO LOVE ME AND MY SPIRIT BUT WHEN IT COMES TO FRIENDS I HAVE RARELY HAD ANY, NOT THAT IAM NOT WILLING TO INVEST IN OTHERS BECAUSE I HAVE DONE MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE FOR CO-WORKERS, STRANGERS,FAMILY MEMBERS, AND FOR 2 1/2 YEARS  I TOOK IN A 14 YR. OLD GIRL THAT I JUST MEET BECAUSE SHE WAS A FRIEND OF MY YOUNGEST SON

 

ANYWAY, HER MOM DIED AND HER DAD WAS IN PRISON AND INSTEAD OF GOING TO FOSTER CARE I ATTEMPTED TO GIVE HER THE PERSONAL SUPPORT AS A LOVING MOTHER AS BEST AS I COULD I DID EVERYTHING I COULD DO THAT HER DECESSED MOTHER DID NOT (DRUG ADDICT) JUST NORMAL STUFF KIDS DESERVE AUTOMATICALLY.

 

 SHE ENDED UP HURTING ME VERY PERSONALLY IN THE END FOR ~NO REASON, BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER, HER DAD FINALLY GOT OUT OF JAIL AND HIM AND HIS MOM TOOK HER IN, (SHE HAD 2 SETS OF GRANDPARENTS & AN AUNT LIVING HER IN TOWN THAT STOOD BY AND DID NOTHING) BLAH, BLAH, SHES FINE...

 

THIS IS ABOUT MIKEL, HE WAS ALREADY IN TROUBLE (3 YRS DEFERED SENTENCE, PUBLIC INTOX CURFIEW, BLAH, BLAH, ANYWAY, ONE OF OUR LOCAL STORES SOLD HIM AND HIS BUDDY TWO 30 PACKS OF BEER, I TRIED CAUSUALLY GETTING RID OF MUCH AS I COULD, I WAS LATTER TOLD HE HAD ALSO CONSUMED SOME VODKA AND MAYBE SOME WEED AND A ZANAX I THINK) I DELT WITH HIS DRUCK ASS AND SLOWLY PERSWADED HIM TO WINDE DOWN HIS PARTY, (HES BEEN VIOLENT TOWARDS ME BEFORE IN THE PAST) SO I WAS JUST TRYING TO LET HIM LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC AND SECRETLY TRYING TO GET RID OF HIS BEER CAUSUALLY, SO THAT I COULD PUT AN END TO THINGS, WITHOUT HIM GOING OUTSIDE AND GETTING ARRESTED, OR WORSE...

 

I THOUGHT (ASSUMED) HE WAS ABOUT READY TO WINDE IT DOWN, BUT THEN WHEN I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND HE TOOK MY KEYS AND CELL PHONE AND SNUCK OUT SIDE, ONLY FOR ME TO COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM TO HEAR MY CAR ALARM GO OFF,

 

BYE, BYE, SEE YA LATTER,

 

NO, IAM NOT A COP CALLER (HE'S ALREADY ON PROBATION) I HAD ASSUMED HE WAS GOING ABOUT 3 BLOCKS AWAY TO HIS FRIENDS, BUT I WALKED UP TO THE STORE ON FOOT, AND A COUPLE BLOCKS RIGHT AROUND MY HOUSE ANYWAY,

 

AND SO....I WAITED, AND WAITED, AND THEN ASSUMED THAT HE PASSED OUT? AND WOULD BE HOME BY MORNING?

 

THE NEXT DAY HE WAS DUE AT WORK, 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, I ADMIT I WAS TRIPPIN A LITTLE SO I CHECKED ON LINE TO SEE IF HE WAS ARRESTED, HE HAD NOT BEEN (LOCALLY), 4PM, 5PM, GEEEZ WAS HE IN A WRECK?

 

NO I DID NOT ALLOW MY MIND TO WONDER, IAM TOO STRONG TO WHAT IF??

 

BY 6PM, MY ONLY FRIEND CAME TO TELL ME MY SON HAD BEEN ARRESTED IN A CITY RIGHT BESIDE TULSA ABOUT 11 MILES AWAY, HE SAID MY CAR WAS IN IMPOUND, SO YESTERDAY, I PAID THE 150 BUKKS TO GET IT OUT...COOL!!!

 

MY SON HAS ABOUT 13 DAYS TO GET HIS 5 DAYS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE DONE AND AN ANGER ASSMENT DONE BY THE 30TH

 

... I WAS SO DISTURBED I THOUGHT I WOULD LEAVE HIM THERE (IN JAIL) UNTIL 6 DAYS BEFORE HIS OTHER STUFF WAS DUE FOR HIS OTHER COURT... IF HE WOULD PROMICE TO DO HIS REQUIREMENTS...(TUFF LOVE) 

 

IAM SOFT BUT HE HAS BEEN GIVING ME HELLA PROBLEMS FOR ABOUT 6 YEARS,

 

ANYWAY, HE AND HIS DAD SHOWED UP ABOUT MIDNIGHT, I GUESS HIS HILLBILLY CRACK HEAD ABUSIVE DAD BAILED HIM OUT!!

 

AND (HIS DAD) IS CURRENTLY DOING HIS OWN COURT THING OVER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE W/ HIS CURRECT GIRLFRIEND,

GREAT GUY !!! 

 

ANYWAY, I WASEN'T READY TO DEAL W/ MIKEL AND FELT ALITTLE BETRAYED THAT HIS DAD STEPPED "IN" AS HE HAS DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR HIM IN 18 YEARS, HE DOESNT EVEN BUY X-MAS OR B-DAY PRESENTS, ZERO, ZIP, NADA, & CHILD SUPPORT, YAH, RIGHT...WHATEVER, ......WHO CARES? I DONT!!

 

IAM SURE HE WONT BE ABLE TO DEAL W/ HIS DAD LONG, VISA~VERSA HE LIVES IN A SMALL TRAVEL TRALLER FOR GODS SAKE, I THINK HIS G/F EVEN LIVES THERE SO, YEA, NO ROOM AT THE END, SO TO SPEAK....SORRY FOR HIS LUCK (NOT REALLY)

 

MY EX SUCKED ALMOST 20 YEARS OF LIGHT ENERGY OUT OF ME, BUT I'VE LEARNED TO NOT EVEN GIVE HIM MY "THOUGHTS"

WHATS THE WHOLE POINT TO ALL THIS, I DONT KNOW, YOU TELL ME....

 

ONE PART OF THE STORY YOU DONT KNOW IS THAT WHEN MIKEL WAS 3 YEARS OLD, HE ACCIDENTLY STARTED A FIRE THAT LED TO THE DEATH OF MY OTHER SON, HE WAS 4 WHEN HE DIED, HIS NAME WAS MARK...SO THATS MATT 1ST, MARK 2ND, MIKEL 3RD

 

I HAVE NEVER IN MIKELS WHOLE LIFE HELD ANY RESENTMENT, BLAME, HATE, OR LOOTHE TOWARDS HIM,

 

ACTUALLY I TRIED TO DO THE OPPOSITE, EXPLAINNING IT WAS MARKS TIME, AND GOD NEEDED HIM FOR A SPECIAL PURPOSE,

AND THAT NOT TO WORRY THAT MARKS IN A WAY BETTER PLACE,

 

AND SO MIKEL DID FINE UNTIL HE WAS ABOUT 10, AND ONCE A YEAR HE WOULD ACT BAD AND ACT UP (THE ANNIVERSERY OF MARKS DEATH)....

 

SINCE 12 HE HAS BEEN VERY DISRESPECTFUL OF AUTHORITY AND SIMPLE TASKS, WE DID THE WHOLE CONCELING THING, BUT HES NO DUMMY, HE EVEN ADMITTED, THAT HE ONLY TELLS THEM WHAT HE WANTS THEM "TO KNOW"...

 

HE IS VERY SMART AND IS GREAT AT ALOT OF THINGS, HIS HEART IS EVEN KIND AND HELPFUL WHEN HES NOT ON SOME SORT OF SECRET BINDGE...UUGHH

 

FOR A YEAR I FOLLOWED HIM AROUND WHERE EVER HE WENT OFTEN DRIVING AROUND FOR HOURS TO TRY TO KEEP TRACK OF HIM, BUT ALAS IAM NOT THE PUPPET MASTER,  SO I QUIT...

 

JENNIFER THE 14, YR OLD HAS ACTUALLY MADE THINGS ALOT WORSE, SINCE HER ARRIVAL & DEPARTURE... 

 

AS BEFORE HE WOULD TELL ME THE TRUTH, EVEN IF IT WAS UGLY, SINCE KNOWING HER, HE HAS BECOME ABSUIVE, VERBALLY AND PHYCIALLY, AND HAS DONE SOME CRAZY THINGS, EVEN PAN HANDLING FOR GODS SAKE (AND I PAY FOR E/THING) GEEZ, HOW EMBARASSING!!

 

AND SO.. ONLY ASKED THAT HE WOULD PAY FOR HIS LAWYER & FINES (KEEP THE REST)...WHATEVER,

 

I KNOW YOU ALL DONT KNOW ME, AND I REALIZE FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT JUST BEING AROUND ME AND MY "ISSUES" CAN BE VERY, VERY, DRAINING, AND SO THIS TIME I WILL ASK FOR NOTHING, SERIOUSLY...

 

FUNNY THO, AS I WAS TOLD IN ONE OF MY COMMENTS BY SOMEONE THAT I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT ALL THIS BAD ENERGY WAS MY FAULT... HOW RUDE, HURT MY FEELINGS, CUZ THEY GOT A BAD "VIBE" OF MY ENERGY...WHATEVER~

 

IAM ALWAYS GIVING LOVE AND SUPPORT TO MY TWO SONS THAT ARE LEFT, AND CRACKING THE WHIP W/ THE YOUNGER ONE MIKEL WHEN HE STEPS OUT OF LINE AND DISRESPECTS ME, HE IS 6/2 AND SO I CANT BEAT HIS ASS EVEN IF I WANTED TO,

 

AFTER 20 YEARS OF VIOLENCE IN MY LIFE, I HAVE NO PLACE FOR IT IN MY LIFE, THAT TOXIC REALATIONSHIP W/ MY EX, LITTERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME (THIS WAS BEFORE THE POLICE KNEW AND REALIZED) THAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WAS ACTUALLY A CRIME AND NOT JUST A PRIVATE FAMILY MATTER, AND YES HE WAS ARRESTED ABOUT 7 TIMES AND BROKE 2 RESTRAINING ORDERS, HES NUTS....

 

I HAVE NO ENERGY TO WASTE ON HIM OR OUR PAST... IAM DONE,

 

MY SON MIKEL HOWEVER IS MY HEART I LOVE HIM TO THE MOON, HAVE I SHELTERED HIM TOO MUCH?

 

 PERHAPS A LITTLE, BUT IVE ALWAYS TRIED TO GIVE HIM WHAT I WANT IN RETURN,

 

AND HAVE I SET AN GOOD FOUNDATION? I HOPE SO, I HAVE BEEN A WAITRESS FOR 25 YEARS, I HAVE CALLED IN SICK MAYBE 5 TIMES, I HAVE WORKED WITH A BROKEN FOOT, BROKEN WRIST, BLACK EYES, HEAD CONCUSIONS, WHATEVER,

 

I ALWAYS PUT PROVIDING A HOME FOR US FIRST, I KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE AND ALWAYS TELL HIM YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE & APPRECIATE  WHAT YOU HAVE FIRST BEFORE YOU "DESERVE" ANYTHING NEW,

 

I HAVENT HAD A BOYFRIEND FOR 5 1/2 YEARS, SO THAT I COULD ALWAYS "BE THERE" FOR MY SON, BESIDES I FIGURED I COULD HAVE "MY TIME" WHEN HE MOVES OUT, TRUE??

 

THIS LONG ASS LETTER IS NOT TO ASK FOR ACCEPTENCE FROM MY PEERS TO SAY , YOU DID ALL YOU CAN, ETC.

 

I KNOW I ALREADY DID ALL I COULD DO, BESIDES ITS ALREADY DONE,

 

IAM NOT LOOKING FOR ANY VALIDATION,

 

& ALSO PLEASE, UNDERSTAND IAM NOT ASKING FOR SYPATHY, I DONT NEED ANY, I DONT HAVE ANY FOR MYSELF, SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO "DRAW ANY INTO MY ENERGY"... I DONT WANT IT,  (SYMPATHY) NOT TO BE RUDE OR COLD HEARTED, I JUST SERVERS ME NO USUFUL PORPOSE...

 

I HAVE ALWAYS TRUSTED GOD, TO KNOW MORE THAN ME, AND SO I DO NOT "QUESTION" WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE,

 

I MERELY SEE IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN TAKE FROM THE EXPERIENCE, USE IT, AND MOVE ON... I WILL UNDERSTAND ONE DAY, WHAT IT ALL THIS MEANS IN THE OVER ALL "BIG PICTURE'....

 

THEREFORE REALIZE IAM NOT ASKING WHY??? I DONT CARE WHY...HOW, WHO OR WHAT....

 

I JUST WANT TO LOVE MY OTHER TWO SONS LEFT HERE W/ ME MIKEL 18 AND MATTHEW 26 TO DO WELL...

 

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, THATS WHAT TRUE LOVE IS...

 

I THINK OF THEM AS GROWING A GARDEN, IF I TEND TO IT, TRY TO REMOVE MOST, NOT ALL THE WEEDS, FEED THEM, SPEAK POSITIVE TO THEM, COVER THEM WHEN THEY NEED SHELTER, AND THEN ~IF~ THEY GROW UP STRONG, HEALTHY, & BEAUTIFUL, ITS BECAUSE I HAVE "RAISED" MY CHILDREN WITH GODS BLESSING,

 

AS FAR AS MY LIFE, I REALLY DONT KNOW?? I ~ BELIEVE I WAS MENT FOR GREAT THINGS BUT I CANNOT BE SO STUPIED TO TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR GARDEN A HALF A MILLION MILES AWAYS IF MINE IS THE ONE THAT NEEDS TENDING TO...

 

I WILL TELL YOU THIS, I CAN AND WILL TELL YOU THAT I HAVE GIVEN A "FEW" TIPS ON OUR PEOPLES GARDEN AND THEIRS HAVE TURNED OUT PRETTIER AND MORE REWARDING THAN MINE, IAM I JEALOUS? OF CORSE NOT, MAKES ME HAPPY,

 

AM I MAD MY GARDEN IS NOT AS GOOD AS SOME? OF COURSE NOT...

 

ITS MY GARDEN AND MY LIFE, ITS ALL ON ME, NO ONE ELESE....

 

I LOVE MY GARDEN, EVEN WHEN I KNOW IT LOOKS DEAD TO SOME, I KNOW ITS NOT, CAUSE UNDER THE SURFACE, I KNOW THERES LIFE, I KNOW HOW GREAT AND COOL THE SEEDS I PLANTED REALLY ARE, AND I KNOW HOW STRONG THEY ARE, THEIR MY SEEDS, I SOWED THEM PERSONALLY,

 

SO I KNOW....MY CHILDERN ARE MY LIVING, GROWING, REAL LIFE SKIN AND BONE REAL LIFE GARDEN (GROWING)....

 

IAM NOT WORRIED, I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW, THAT OCASSIONALLY I WOULD LIKE TO BORROW ONE OF YOU ALL'S GARDEN BOOKS,  NOT BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO IT FOR ME, AND IAM REALLY NOT ASKING YOU GUYS TO PICK THE WEEDS OUT EIRTHER,

 

BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, OCCASIONALLY IT WOULD BE REALLY COOL IF YOU COULD LET ME BORROW YOUR HOE, FOR THE EXTRA TOUGH WEEDS, OR MAYBE  YOUR DELUX UMBRELLA FOR THE EXTRA STONG STORMS...

 

THATS ALL, NOTHING MORE....

 

TODAY IAM  PLANNING ON CATCHING A LITTLE LUCK IN THE WIND THAT JUST BLEW INTO MY HANDS....

 

PEACE