The Shadow Self

This has been an interesting couple of weeks.. First of all I started a course in Clinical Pastoral Counseling which I find to be fascinating. Originally, I took the class in order to add on credits toward my goal of becoming a Hospice Chaplain. But, I found that it has opened some insights into my own thought process that have been enlightening to say the least.

Our first assignment was to read an article about the shadow self. The shadow self is the part of us that we don't show to the world..even our closest loved ones. It is the primitive instinctual self that has urges which our conscious logical self overrules. I read the article, gave it a little thought and then continued on with my busy life.. until... I wound up in the hospital with shortness of breath and chest pains.

Now, you have to understand that I am petrified at the thought of needles, IV's, and not knowing what is going on..NOW. So, there I sat in the ER getting ready to be admitted to the dreaded "upstairs", tubes and needles hanging out, moniters attached, and oxygen tubes stuck up my nose. The preliminary tests were good.. the moniter was beeping just like it should.. and my blood tests (thus far) showed nothing to be concerned about.

Nurses came and went, all of them commenting on small veins and finding other spots to try and take my blood. I still couldn't breathe properly, my hand hurt from the IV and I was bone-chilling cold despite the blanket that was covering me. Thoughts of love and light were pretty far in the backgroud of my mind. Thoughts of survival and creature comfort were at the forefront. I was hungry, but I couldn't eat they told me, until they knew a little more about my "condition."

That is when my shadow self escaped. She didn't yell at anyone.. or cause any real problems.. but her thoughts were pretty primal and intense. She wanted to go home.. she wanted to be warm... she wanted to eat.. and she wanted to know what was happening to her body. And, she was getting pretty angry at all those people who kept on poking and proding at her.

My rational self told the shadow self that they were just doing their job... but the shadow self didn't care.. she was all about me.. me.. me.
Upstairs I went.. to a busy ward.. clanking of bedpans.. and nurses waking me up every hour to take more blood. I was in pain, exhausted, and still hungry. A tray of food arrived around midnight.. a turkey sandwich.. and it tasted sooooo good.

Morning arrived and it was decided that I should go home.. and come back in a couple of days for two nuclear stress tests.. more needles.. more small veins.. and more machines. My shadow self went directly into the flight or fight mode.. and couldn't do either.. and, she was angry, frustrated and confused behind my "oh so calm" exterior.

Well, I am fine .. It turns out that it was an infection caused by having a few teeth pulled. Or, at least that is what they think it was.

But, the experience made me think about the shadow self. When people are in pain or when they lack the simple comforts of life.. the shadow self emerges and does things that at other times would be unthinkable for the rational self.

In the article, the author offers the theory that war and violence in our world is the lack of expression of the shadow self until all of the angry and frustrated thoughts of the collective consciousness of our world explodes into a mass violence.. the shadow self expressing itself.

I guess my question is.. if we, as lightworkers, try and contain that shadow self.. and never allow the expression of our fear, our anger or our pain.. isn't that adding to that collective consciousness that is a build up of that unexpressed emotion?

We are human beings.. and we all own a shadow self.. whether we wish to admit that or not.. there is no light without shadow. The author of the article suggests that the shadow self can be expressed through thought or ritual.. and does not have to come into the physical realm, since the subconscious mind does not recognize "reality" and thoughts are just as real to it as actions.

How many of us have unpleasent thoughts, unexpressed emotions and desires..or inner darkness that we push aside and don't allow to speak because we are "lightworkers?" I freely admit that I have a dark side and that my thoughts often allow that dark side free access to my emotions.. even though the actions are never brought into the physical realm. If I don't I usually have a nightmare or two that reminds me to pay attention to "my other side."

Any comments?