Distrust and Resentment

On a deep subconscious level

I saw my friends mother at the supermarket today, she walked up to me and said Hi. I froze up, she surprised me so i reacted from subconscious thoughts, which is basically "fuck everyone who talks to you"

I am so overly defensive, I pushed everyone away, I tried my damn best to talk to her but I could not do it without being extremely tense and uncomfortable trying to force a smile

I've peeled so many layers of the onion away with emotional clearing, and I don't know how the fuck i'm gonna go through this one. I don't know WHAT TO DO.