These past couple of days have been crap. Earlier this week I was on a major upswing, was feeling motivated again, things were lining up, energy was available to me, I thought, "maybe we're finally getting somewhere here!" And then yesterday...

Yesterday was manic, but not in a "good" way. Then again, I've never experienced manic in a good way. All these ideas and suggestions had come to me and I started following up on them. People were giving me assignments and such. While working on one, I felt majorly stressed out. I was starting to get snippy in my emails. I went out with a friend, had some fun, came back, and felt down again. Prior to going out with her, even having THAT time constraint made me feel burdened.

I came home and watched this music video again and sobbed my eyes out for a long time. I'm not sure that anything has ever made me feel so sad in my entire life, unless this is just part of the energies. Even just thinking about it makes me cry:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqQTODR3kR8

I'm writing, but now I doubt myself again. I just got back from a tooth filling, another $200 added to my increasingly growing credit card debt. I'm officially living outside my means, now. This morning, I was going to try to have another "productive" day but found that I was simply too angry. I meditated on my feelings some more. I read a bunch of channelings and things online. I read Lauren Gorgo's newest post and it was the only thing that started to make me feel better, because it showed me that I wasn't just "making all this up." I relate to the food thing especially. I can't tell when I'm hungry anymore but I crave eating so I eat, especially junk food - yesterday afternoon I downed a king size snickers and still felt dissatisfied and nauseous afterwards.

As she mentions, I've been feeling a sense of "impending doom" around the peripheries of my senses. I do, thankfully, feel like I'm starting to really release my attachments in a major way. But doing that is bringing up all kinds of sad, angry, heartbroken feelings. Here's what I feel right now: I feel betrayed. I feel useless. I feel depressed and hopeless. I feel like there's nothing I can do to change my situation. I feel like time is running out and it's my fault for not trying harder to prevent this scenario. At the same time, I feel anger towards the people who were trying to get me to prevent it rather than listen to my intuition/guidance. I wonder if my intuition has been leading me astray. I feel guilt. I feel like I did something bad and that God wants to punish me for it, but I can't remember what it was that I did that was so bad. I feel like I've been running from this punishment on some level for my entire life. I'm beginning to doubt that anything I could have done could have really been awful enough to merit this! I wonder why I can't remember. I feel different from other people and misunderstood. I feel angry towards the people who said they love me but seem all too happy to just drop me because I'm not behaving the way they want me to. I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I have great gifts and talents but nobody here has ever appreciated them, so what's the point? I feel like I'm going to be humiliated when my money runs out and all of this stuff I put faith in doesn't come through for me. I feel angry that in a way I was pushed onto this path and that I gave it the best I could but nothing I do ever seems to be enough to please Spirit enough to give me the life I want. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. I didn't fit in with the 3D world, but I don't feel like I fit in with the spiritual community either. I feel like people are going to accuse me of being self-pitying or self-involved here, and I feel anger about that. I feel guilt and fear that maybe they're right, and that makes me hate myself even more. They don't really care about me, anyway. They just want to prove themselves right by putting me down and not really listening to me.

I feel useless, I suppose. As if there's not really a point to my being here. As if all of my brave efforts and attempts to change things, to change myself, have not really changed anything at all. Like I'm not really important and that everything would keep going along without me. That hurts to think about.

I am not asking for you to comment to try to make me "feel better." I'm sharing with you the things I'm working on, the feelings that are hopefully being released/healed/transmuted. Maybe some of you can relate to these feelings of mine. I want to heal them and bring them loving acceptance. It hurts me that parts of me have felt like this for so long, and I've tried to avoid them. What does it really matter if I lose my house, my dignity? What is dignity anyway? I suppose it could lead to a lot of discomfort, and I fear that. I'm uncomfortable now, but it could be worse. I feel this sick fear that maybe this whole ascension thing is fake or another joke, another let-down. I am not sure if I can trust that Spirit will really be here, really be present this time. I hate people who try to talk me out of feeling the way I feel, because I feel the way I feel for a reason and they are trying to make me reflect something different rather than face these feelings in themselves, too. I don't want to apologize for or hide how I feel anymore, and I don't want to be told that I'm doing something "wrong" by expressing my truth. I hate that nobody has listened to me.

Channeling some of the lost feminine essence here no doubt... please take it for what it is, expression. I really don't want you to tell me how I should change or stop expressing. I am being as honest as I can to try to heal these things. If you don't like it, please don't read my blog.