Notes to Myeslf
Have you ever woken up really early in the morning before anyone is up? You wake refreshed but somewhat groggy and disoriented. Perhaps you make a pot of coffee and sit in your favorite place enjoying the morning sounds and sights. In the background is the sound of birds and crickets chirping, and frogs croaking. You watch as the sun begins to rise and the light shifts and changes around you. There are no telephones ringing, people requiring your attention or things yet to do. It is quite a peaceful place to be.
This is the only way I can describe the space I am currently occupying. It is a place of neutral energy. I feel so inward right now. It is sometimes very uncomfortable to leave this space. I have created a haven here for my weary soul. It is a time of regenerating and realigning. It is a very private process that words cannot express.
I have lost contact with many people in my life. When I go to pick up the phone the desire to speak is cumbersome. I do not possess the desire or ability to make small talk, or actually any kind of talk at all (or writing for that matter!). I only wish to send love and hold the sacred space for others on their journey. The ways in which I would reach out to others is not there for the time being. I am in a place of openly receiving.
The past year took a toll on all of us. We went through a major upheaval. I don’t think I know of anyone who has come out this period unscathed. It is far from a punishment, although it certainly might seem so! It is actually a time of clearing out the old and finding ways that are more in alignment, integrity and authenticity with who we are and where we are going.
It is a time of raw vulnerability and having to trust the process. Those who are highly sensitive have an even more challenging time dealing with any type of harshness or intolerance for what is out of alignment with being authentic. There seems to be such incongruence between what someone may be saying and what they are actually doing. It’s as if we have a built-in radar and can pick up what is really occurring under the surface (although we may or may not know all the facts of what is actually happening!). It can be down right frustrating and confusing to feel these intense energies.
I have found that I become really anxious when I am around someone who is not dealing with their own stuff. Its as if they are unconsciously unloading it in my presence. I refuse to be a sponge for others any longer. I have learned to maintain my boundaries, and limit my time around those that I know are draining.
I realized I spent so much time trying to help others that I ignored or avoided dealing with myself. Now that I released my duty of rescuing others I have so much more time to spend with myself. What I have found is that I really like and enjoy my own company! I am endlessly entertained with doing the simple pleasures. I still enjoy spending time with friends and family when I feel like it. If they need me, and I have the capacity to do so I’m there for them. If I don’t have the time, energy, or resources to assist I respectfully decline.
I’m a no longer a people pleaser. I released any shame, guilt, or blame that I previously associated with putting my needs first. Now, when I offer to help someone its because I genuinely want to, and not out of any sense of obligation. It eliminates feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration. At first there were those that were put off, upset, or confused at my sudden change in behavior, however, by setting boundaries it ultimately made the relationships healthier and more balanced.
I have found peace amongst all the chaos. The past few years took my life, shook it up like a snow globe and all the pieces settled where they may. I was too weak, and unsure to proceed to do much about it. In fact, that was just as it was meant to be. By being in such a vulnerable place, the only thing that we are able to do is be.
I learned how to slow down, take time for myself, and allow. I released control. Any attempt to try to manipulate or control the outcome of a situation was met with resistance. Nothing would budge. Again, I learned that when the timing was right, things just naturally fell into place. I can say that at this time, situations are beginning to come together. Little bits at a time there is progress.
I rescued two kittens from the bushes in front of my house a few months ago. First of all, for the past year I have been craving getting a cat. I have dogs, and don’t need any more animals, however, I kept thinking about how much I would love to rescue a cat. I would fantasy about having a cat, would pet and look at them any opportunity I could get. I had two cats for many years that I shamefully got rid of years ago. I never got over the remorse or guilt. Well, wouldn’t you know there were, two adorable kittens in my bushes!
Over the past few months of having these two kittens my heart has healed. I have been able to release the shameful emotions I was carrying, not only towards my cats, but in life itself. I have spent much time in solitude surrounded by my beloved pets. There is nothing as calming and soothing as playing with animals and being in nature! Watching the kittens slowly nurse back to health, and eventually come out of their fearful state and begin to play has been so gratifying.
My kittens are so fearless as they slowly venture out of their hiding place to check out the world around them. They love to explore, be playful and try new things. The way they purr as I gently caress their soft fur, I affirm, “I accept all the gentle blessings coming my way.” I watch them and realize, I too want to have that renewal of life and the ability to view the world as an adventure.
In many ways this is such a harsh time, so fraught with challenges and hurdles. We are navigating through unchartered territory, both literal and figuratively. If we can maintain remain sovereign to our journey by remaining gentle and pliable, rather than hardening and being fearful and angry. The blessings come when we least expect it and in ways we didn’t really count on. I am always so amazed that the resources are there, just before or just after I realize I need them.
Remember to take many deep breaths, honor your body, mind and spirit for what it needs in the moment. Rest when you need to rest. Eat when you feel hungry. Play when your spirit says to do so. Listen to your heart and do what feels right. This is the way of being in the divine flow where all your needs are met with ease and grace. The neutral energy is placing you in divine alignment with the purpose of your soul.
There are days that I am just not sure what to do to make things happen. I try this. I try that and nothing seems to work. I become frustrated, confused, hopeless, and depressed. I don’t want to feel this way. I release the toxins I am harboring. I place myself in the divine flow. I allow Your will to flow through me. I know you gently speak to my heart. As I am listening you are effortlessly guiding me along the way. I let go of my need to control to outcome. I trust that you have a special plan laid out for me. I see glimmers of it manifesting as I pay attention and allow.
I release people, situations, aspects of myself that are not working in my life.
Thank you for the many blessings. I gratefully and gracefully accept them all.
And so it is.
Copyright © Notes to Myself by Stefanie Miller of A Magical World - Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this article on the condition that the URL www.amagicalworld.com is included as the resource and that it is distributed freely and on a non-commercial basis. E-mail: [email protected]
February 15, 2010, 11:47 pm
Until I got to the part about the kittens lol it was the best expression of my Life I'd read.
I'll be offering your sensibilities to those licking their wounds from my changing my ways.
Had to. Not optional. Can't take care of one more 3D, nor rescue a soul, nor is there any need.
I'll heal the Earth in other ways...like with laughter, bright deeds & music.
Excellent insight into a process obviously many of us are going through, judging from the other
comments. I take great comfort in that. Though I am truly at peace with the space you so perfectly
Beautiful! I thank you so much...
Could Have Been Written By Me!
February 13, 2010, 8:09 pm
Same as the last poster! My life nearly to the T. Even down to the remorse of letting animals go, only mine was a dalmation ... the guilt has faded as I have really worked on it, but a chance to do it again right would be welcome!